Why

I've been a blogger for quite some time and always looked at it as a way to avoid journaling and scrapbooking. Since I find little pleasure in either of those activities I found blogging to be the best way to chronicle my life for my children and possible future generations. Recently, there has been a small voice in my head growing in volume telling me that although the blog shows what we do as a family and the people we meet and the places we go, it says little about me personally. I grew up in a home with very dedicated and supportive parents and I've grown to love and appreciate them so much more as I've grown into an adult and begun my own family. One if the things I was never privy to was my parents' thoughts. My mother is my best friend now and we speak on the phone frequently. Now she shares with me the thoughts and concerns that I was oblivious to as a child. I think sometimes it might have been beneficial for me to have known those things earlier. So that is why I want to do this. I want my kids to have some sort of reference into my heart and soul. When I'm not around I want them to know what kind of person I was and how I thought. I hope the things I post here will be mostly uplifting and positive, but I want them to know that life is not always easy and it's okay to struggle. I want them to know the things that spark my interest and things that bore me. The things I aspire to and the things that scare me. I also want a place that I can be completely honest. So in an effort to fulfill that goal I want to start with some of the thoughts I've had this weekend.

One of the things that I have always struggled with is prayer. I've been aware of this shortcoming, but I always lack the urgency to be better. I miss the conversations I could be having with my Heavenly Father and know that if I were having them some of the things I worry about wouldn't worry me so much. Although I don't speak with Him frequently, I feel His presence in my life constantly. I've been blessed beyond measure. I want to become better at prayer for my children. We try to pray together as a family regularly so I know they see me pray, but they need the personal prayers of their mother more. I worry about them all the time being placed in my care. I feel inadequacy almost daily. Nate is such a sweet boy. His heart is full of compassion and he genuinely loves everyone around him. He is the picture of Christlike love for me. Scarlett is in her toddlerhood and therefore quite a challenge. I worry how to teach her boundaries. I also worry about helping see her own worth. I struggled with that supremely as a young girl and want to be able to help Scarlett through all that uncertainty. I want them both to know without a doubt, everyday, that they are a child of God. They are so special and unique and they can do things that no one else can do. I also want to teach them that everyone is a child of God and we should look at them as such. No matter what the outside may say about a person, we all came from the same Heavenly parents and He loves all of us. This is why I need to pray more. I know Heavenly Father will direct me, helping me touch my children in a way that they can learn these things.

The other thing that has been on my mind a lot is family. You only have one family. Recently, mine has hit a few rough patches. My parents are doing well, but some my siblings are struggling and it has affected me deeply. Two of my siblings have been through divorces in the last year or so and another has not been active in the church for a long time. My heart breaks for each of them. My sister who is not active is golden. She's wonderful and selfless and can make any party more fun. I'm sad she doesn't have some of the blessings she could have. I worry about her and her family's eternal state. I want them all with me forever. My brother whose been through a divorce fell away from the church for a while and turned to alcohol in his anger. I feel like I can understand his loneliness and sadness. It's been hard to watch his children work through things. It's been even harder learning to forgive my brother for his choices and his ex-wife for hers. My sister whose been through a divorce is also angry. I want to her be happy so badly. I know she can be but she complicates her own life a lot of the time. My purpose in bringing this all up is to say that family is hard. It's almost inevitable that they will hurt you. That being said, you have to be okay with that and still love them. There may be times that you will be stuck in the middle. I hope you don't choose a side. Love them all equally. It's the only way you'll get through it and still be close. If there is a strained relationship in your family don't turn away from it. There are a few for me that scare me and I'm nervous whenever we interact, but I don't want to lose whatever I do have with them. Whatever we go through together, good or bad, I want them to know that I'll be there. Like I said before, you only have one family. Love them as deeply as you can. Nothing is more important than your parents and your siblings and your future family. Don't let anything ever come between you.

Next time I want to tell you about my interests, and some daily frustrations. Don't worry, nothing too heavy!