Insecurities and Regrets

This post has the potential to have a pretty depressing tone, but I'm writing about these topics in an effort to be an open book to those who read it.  I don't have a ton of insecurities.  I think I have the equivalent that most people have.  I believe that everyone is blessed with some easy things and everyone is blessed with some harder things.  I've found that people I look at who are so long, lean, tone and thin, like I'd like to be, suffer from feeling too tall, having big feet, or being uncoordinated.  The things that I feel would make my life perfect, if only I had them, come at a price.  Unfortunately, we always want what we don't have.  For me it's really easy to fixate on that and get a little depressed.  Like I mentioned before, I've always wanted to be a little taller, a lot toner and much thinner.  People looking at me don't think I'm fat, I hope, but I've always felt insecure.  I have a dense body with high muscle mass and in my mind that's not very beautiful or feminine.  I try to look at the bright side and tell myself that I have a strong and highly functional body, but some days I just really wish I could be the beautiful, tiny doll that all women are judged against these days. 

I think that your peers growing up play a huge role in the insecurities that we end up struggling with our entire lives.  For example, my two older sisters, in a completely nonthreatening way, pointed out that my eyes droop slightly.  Since that day I've been acutely aware of that fact.  I've tried to learn to do my eye makeup in a way to disguise their downward slope, but I still never feel completely confident.  My sisters didn't do that to make me feel bad but I'll always remember that. 

Speaking of confidence, that's another thing is struggle with.  I've never been overly confident.  I wish I was.  I hold myself back from a lot of things because I'm afraid to fail.  Failure isn't my biggest fear, though, it's looking stupid while I fail.  There are so many things that I'd like to do like go to grad school, publish a cookbook, and maybe someday have a bakery.  All of these things scare me.  I applied to grad school this year and wasn't accepted anywhere.  It was really painful.  I put myself out there knowing I could fail and I did.  The great thing is I have a good support system and I've been convinced to try again, maybe in a different field.  I hope to eventually get into a program and educate myself a little further.  I don't want it feel like I could have done more or that I chose to stand still when I was given the chance to run.  In regards to the cookbook, what if no one buys it?  I would see that as a failure.  What if I finally get the bakery of my dreams and no one comes to eat there?  I get huge satisfaction out of feeding people and seeing them enjoy my food.  What if people came and realized it wasn't good?  That would be worse than people not coming at all. 

The good thing about all my insecurities is that there is always a flip side.  Like I said before, despite my physical insecurities I am relatively healthy and can do most things I want.  I may not have beautiful eyes, but I have long eyelashes and I think my hair is pretty.  I may never get into grad school, or I may and find out I can't hack it, but at least my kids will see that I tried and I wasn't afraid to fail (on the outside).  The cookbook may be published and the public may not love it, but I know my family will find joy in seeing what I loved to cook.  Same with the bakery.  It may be a miserable failure, but I reached for a dream.  I think finding the flip side is part of the reason we are each given our own insecurities.  We struggle all our lives with them, the key is to accept them and rise above.

Okay, regrets.  I kind of touched a tiny bit on them with the insecurity topic.  Redundancy is my specialty!  To quickly sum it up in reference to the insecurity stuff, don't let an insecurity keep you from trying something new.  You will regret it.  Even the small things.  When we lived in Chicago there was so much I wanted to do but was afraid to do on my own.  I never did them and now I wish I could go back to that great city and do it all over again.  I missed out on great culture, food and events and I regret it. 

I think life is riddled with regrets.  You can't go through it with out a few.  I regret that way I treated people when I was younger.  I was selfish and only cared to review my perspective before making decisions.  I regret some of the boys I dated, but try to remember what I learned from each one of them.  I regret not spending more time with my grandparents before they were all gone.  If I had them now I would treat them so differently.  I looked at them as sharing nothing in common with me.  I didn't find them approachable.  My Grandma Johnson wasn't like that.  She was one of my favorite people in all the world and she still is.  I wasn't there when she died and I could have been.  I will regret that decision for the rest of my life.  She'd struggled with Alzheimer's for a decade at that time and I didn't know how to be around her.  That shouldn't have mattered.  She was who I'd loved my whole life.  The grandma who smelled like celery, who pushed my on my trike down the sidewalk, who made her own yogurt and spoiled us all with root beer floats.  I made a terrible decision.  The awful thing about most regrets is that you usually have no opportunity to fix them.  I may get to go back to Chicago, I may not.  I will never get to see my Grandma Johnson alive in my lifetime again.  I think some regrets can be spared us if we remember what a blessing each day is.  You don't get to do anything over after you close your eyes at night.  You get another opportunity, maybe, but those will eventually run out.  Each experience is it's own and can never be duplicated.  If you remember that and what your priorities in life are maybe you can be spared some regrets.  Love your family fiercely, treat people with all the consideration you'd like in return, and try to do the things that sound exciting to you when you get the chance.