Interests and Daily Frustrations

The things that interest me are very diverse. This becomes quite a problem when I think about what I'd like to do once I get a chance to pursue my higher education. First, and I think most obvious to those who know me best, is cooking. Right now I find it very fun and interesting. There's so much to learn on the topic that I don't think I'll ever exhaust it. I want to get really good at baking. Making beautiful desserts and breads is very rewarding to me. I love to feed other people and I think it's a good way to form relationships and memories. I'd love to have a very small bakery and pastry shop where I got to produce whatever I fancied. I'd love to travel and try to duplicate the delicious creations from whence I traveled. Another interest is reading. I think I read about a book a week when I go to the library or I have new books. I especially love books that are historical fiction. A friend of mine only reads non-fiction and so I thought I'd give that a try because I may learn even more. It would be wonderful to be an author. The amount of work and research going into authoring a book sometimes astounds me. If I ever author anything I hope it's a cookbook. I am a very dedicated exerciser. I got my degree in exercise science and although I don't remember much, I do remember why I love it. I try to go six times a week but recently someone is always sick and I don't want to share the germs with the rest of the community. I really love the YMCA that I currently am a member of and it will break my heart to leave it behind when we move. Another thing I love, and I worry it will make me sound materialistic, is beauty and clothing. I don't know if I do this so much because I love it, or because it boosts my confidence. Either way, it's something I find myself doing regularly. I especially love shoes and high heels. The fancier and more colorful the better. I love looking for new ways to wear makeup and do my hair. I think the internet and youtube are heaven sent for people like me who really have no idea what they're doing. I think I come together pretty well in the end. I want to be sure that I never embarrass my children because of the way I look. I want them to know that I respect myself enough to try and take care of myself and put my best foot forward at all times. Hopefully, this will wear off on them.

I'm not sure where I was going last time with my daily frustrations, but I'm guessing it had to do with being home everyday and doing the same things all the time. I love being home with Scarlett and being able to hang out with Nate when he gets home from school. My mom being home for me was one of the most important things for me growing up. I remember when she went back to school and work my senior year of high school. It was strange not to have her home and to talk with her about my day. I understand now why she did go back to school and work, but at the time I didn't. I hope if I work or if I'm away that Nate and Scarlett know it's because I want to become the best version of myself and I believe that means always improving and learning and for me that means school. Anyway, back to the frustrations. I think one of the hardest things to overcome as a stay at home mom is the monotony. My mom was always so busy that she never really told me she was bored. Maybe she never was. I remember her "going on strike" when she got sick of cleaning up after us, but I never heard her complain about the mundane tasks she did daily. It's not fun to always be doing laundry, standing at a sink full of dishes, or scrubbing bathrooms. There is great reward in taking care of your things and keeping an orderly home, but it never stays taken care of or orderly long enough. I always feel like I'm thinking, "Didn't I just sweep this floor?" Most of the time it doesn't bother me but every once in a while I crave something different. Of course, like everything in life it's a matter of perspective. At this point in my life I think going to school would be just the medicine I needed to break my monotony, but Robert, who goes to school daily and finds it monotonous, may think that staying home would be just the ticket for him. It's so hard to understand where people's perspective comes from until you've experienced their circumstance. What I do know is that there are people who are older than you and have experienced more than you that may offer some wisdom. Don't disregard it. Listen and try to apply it. I hope that this may be one such time. No one ever really told me how much my stay at home mom would really appreciate me going out and weeding a flower bed, or vacuuming all the carpets or cleaning out the garage. I can tell you now, she would have really appreciated it. It's hard work to keep a house clean and functioning. You don't know until you try it yourself. So much goes on behind the scenes. So, if you can see something that would ease the burden, try and do it. Nothing tells a mother more that you appreciate her and love her for what she does more than trying to lighten her load.

Next time: insecurities and regrets.

Why

I've been a blogger for quite some time and always looked at it as a way to avoid journaling and scrapbooking. Since I find little pleasure in either of those activities I found blogging to be the best way to chronicle my life for my children and possible future generations. Recently, there has been a small voice in my head growing in volume telling me that although the blog shows what we do as a family and the people we meet and the places we go, it says little about me personally. I grew up in a home with very dedicated and supportive parents and I've grown to love and appreciate them so much more as I've grown into an adult and begun my own family. One if the things I was never privy to was my parents' thoughts. My mother is my best friend now and we speak on the phone frequently. Now she shares with me the thoughts and concerns that I was oblivious to as a child. I think sometimes it might have been beneficial for me to have known those things earlier. So that is why I want to do this. I want my kids to have some sort of reference into my heart and soul. When I'm not around I want them to know what kind of person I was and how I thought. I hope the things I post here will be mostly uplifting and positive, but I want them to know that life is not always easy and it's okay to struggle. I want them to know the things that spark my interest and things that bore me. The things I aspire to and the things that scare me. I also want a place that I can be completely honest. So in an effort to fulfill that goal I want to start with some of the thoughts I've had this weekend.

One of the things that I have always struggled with is prayer. I've been aware of this shortcoming, but I always lack the urgency to be better. I miss the conversations I could be having with my Heavenly Father and know that if I were having them some of the things I worry about wouldn't worry me so much. Although I don't speak with Him frequently, I feel His presence in my life constantly. I've been blessed beyond measure. I want to become better at prayer for my children. We try to pray together as a family regularly so I know they see me pray, but they need the personal prayers of their mother more. I worry about them all the time being placed in my care. I feel inadequacy almost daily. Nate is such a sweet boy. His heart is full of compassion and he genuinely loves everyone around him. He is the picture of Christlike love for me. Scarlett is in her toddlerhood and therefore quite a challenge. I worry how to teach her boundaries. I also worry about helping see her own worth. I struggled with that supremely as a young girl and want to be able to help Scarlett through all that uncertainty. I want them both to know without a doubt, everyday, that they are a child of God. They are so special and unique and they can do things that no one else can do. I also want to teach them that everyone is a child of God and we should look at them as such. No matter what the outside may say about a person, we all came from the same Heavenly parents and He loves all of us. This is why I need to pray more. I know Heavenly Father will direct me, helping me touch my children in a way that they can learn these things.

The other thing that has been on my mind a lot is family. You only have one family. Recently, mine has hit a few rough patches. My parents are doing well, but some my siblings are struggling and it has affected me deeply. Two of my siblings have been through divorces in the last year or so and another has not been active in the church for a long time. My heart breaks for each of them. My sister who is not active is golden. She's wonderful and selfless and can make any party more fun. I'm sad she doesn't have some of the blessings she could have. I worry about her and her family's eternal state. I want them all with me forever. My brother whose been through a divorce fell away from the church for a while and turned to alcohol in his anger. I feel like I can understand his loneliness and sadness. It's been hard to watch his children work through things. It's been even harder learning to forgive my brother for his choices and his ex-wife for hers. My sister whose been through a divorce is also angry. I want to her be happy so badly. I know she can be but she complicates her own life a lot of the time. My purpose in bringing this all up is to say that family is hard. It's almost inevitable that they will hurt you. That being said, you have to be okay with that and still love them. There may be times that you will be stuck in the middle. I hope you don't choose a side. Love them all equally. It's the only way you'll get through it and still be close. If there is a strained relationship in your family don't turn away from it. There are a few for me that scare me and I'm nervous whenever we interact, but I don't want to lose whatever I do have with them. Whatever we go through together, good or bad, I want them to know that I'll be there. Like I said before, you only have one family. Love them as deeply as you can. Nothing is more important than your parents and your siblings and your future family. Don't let anything ever come between you.

Next time I want to tell you about my interests, and some daily frustrations. Don't worry, nothing too heavy!